Archive for the Raves Category

Thoughts On Bacon

Posted in Raves on May 20, 2009 by Eric

I spend a lot of time on the internet, so I’m pretty well-versed in the world of Internet memes.  One of the prevailing memes over the past year or so is the awesomeness of bacon.  Do a quick Google search for “bacon” and you’ll find site after site proclaiming bacon as the absolute greatest physical substance on the face of the planet.  Bacon-love has become the proverbial dead horse.  That said, hand me the stick because I’m about to beat that sucker like a giant, rotting piñata.

I love bacon.  Love, love, love it.  I’m talking love that toes the line of general social acceptance.  I want to market a bacon-scented cologne called “Instant Happiness”.  I’m considering putting framed pictures of bacon on my desk at work.  I want to go to a petting zoo just to shake the hoof of a pig and whisper in its ear, “thanks in advance”.  You get the picture.  However, to further beat my point into the ground, I have invited a guest speaker to the blog.  Kids, please direct your eyes to the front of the room and give your undivided attention to Visiting Professor Jim Gaffigan…(light applause would be polite here)

Well said.

Now, I’m no theologian, but bacon is proof that there is a loving and benevolent God who can turn this:

ugly pig

…into this:

Amen.

Amen.

I never cease to be frustrated when I hear such a glorious food referred to as a “side dish”.  Folks, bacon is the main freaking attraction of the breakfast.  Remove bacon from the Denny’s Grand Slam, and you’re left with the Denny’s Weak Grounder to Short.  Aside from being mind-numbingly delicious, bacon serves as the muse for today’s budding engineers.  Allow me to chronicle a few of the recent bacon-inspired feats of culinary construction:

The Bacon Explosion

The Bacon Explosion, the brainchild of the guys over at bbqaddicts.com, is kind of like a lettuce wrap except with every single ingredient replaced with some sort of pork variant.  First you take a bunch of raw bacon and weave it together in a flat sheet.  If they would have stopped there, I still would have been beyond impressed.  Next you hit the bacon-sheet with some barbecue seasoning and then cover it all with ground sausage.  Since the fat content of this dish is not quite high enough at this point, you then cover the ground sausage in crumbled bacon.  The next step is to roll the whole thing into a log shape and throw in in the smoker for a few hours.  Then, just to add one more swift kick to the arteries, you slather the whole thing in barbecue sauce.

bacon-explosion-bbq-meat-sausage1

I demand that a Noble Prize of some sort be awarded to the brains behind what I can only describe as pure, unadulterated win.

Bacon Floss

Bacon. Flavored. Floss.  I know what you’re thinking, “c’mon now, at least come up with something plausible”.  I kid you not.  Behold:

bacon flossYes my friends, this is a real product.  I don’t know who came up with it, but we need to find this person and put them in charge of either NASA or the Federal Reserve.  Not that I’m disputing the importance of flossing, but obviously we’re dealing with a person whose talents are far beyond basic dental hygiene.

Squeez Bacon

Once again, real product.  This one comes from our friends in Sweden, hereafter referred to as America’s Greatest Ally.

I believe we can all agree that the burger is unnecessary.

I believe we can all agree that the burger is unnecessary.

According to the website, Squeez Bacon is 100% fully cooked bacon, blended into a paste in such a way that it requires no refrigeration and has a shelf life of 12 years.  Excuse me while I take a moment to sit in stunned silence…

There are no words.

-ES

Mugshot of the Week: 5/15/09

Posted in Raves on May 16, 2009 by Eric

Ok kids, it’s mugshot time again.  Sorry I was a day late getting this one up.  Well, not that sorry.  For those of you unfamiliar, I peruse the Weekly Mugshot Roundup at thesmokinggun.com every Friday and post my favorite here.  This week’s winner is…

First guess?  This guy has no idea he’s been arrested.  The look on his face suggests “I don’t know where I am, but I’m pretty sure I’ve been here before…is this the DMV?”

Congratulations Mr. Slighty Preturbed Mugshot Man!  As always, I encourage everyone to click the link above the picture and view all the mugshots for the week.  You’ll walk away feeling much better about yourself…promise.

Mugshot of the Week: 5/8/09

Posted in Raves on May 9, 2009 by Eric

In an earlier post, I mentioned my fondness for the Weekly Mugshot Roundup from The Smoking Gun website that is posted every Friday.  I’ve decided to pick my favorite from every weekly batch and post it here.  Why?  Because I feel like I’m helping everyone feel just a little bit better about themselves.  I’m nothing if not a public servant.

Without further ado, this weeks winner is…

What can we ascertain from this picture?  1) He was in some sort of altercation.  2) He lost.  3) He got arrested.  4) It was the absolute highlight of his day.  For some reason, I feel happy for this guy.

-ES

Why I Watch NASCAR

Posted in Raves, Videos on April 26, 2009 by Eric

Despite growing up in Georgia, I didn’t always watch NASCAR.  I guess I didn’t want to feed into the stereotype.  Same reason I don’t chew tobacco.  I love sweet tea and I speak with a very heavy twang, but I gotta draw the line somehwere (my wife and I are NOT related…promise).  I only became a NASCAR devotee about 4 or 5 years ago, but I’ve become a full-blooded Dale Jr. fan since then.  I know he isn’t the best driver on the track, but he’s one of the last throwbacks to the good old days of “get out of my way or I’ll put you into the wall” hardcore racing.  These days I live in Indiana, which is a hotbed of racing, but everybody in the Hoosier state is more interested in Indy car.  I don’t like Indy (or Formula 1) because there is very little passing.  If I want to watch a group of vehicles drive in a single-file line at 200 mph, I’ll just DVR the Macy’s parade and watch it in fast-forward.  I have people ask me from time to time “how can you watch NASCAR?”  Today, I was reminded.

Talladega.  It’s the biggest, fastest track on the circuit, and every race there has at least one giant wreck.  This one was no different, but the best wreck of the day was on the final lap and only involved two cars.  Carl Edwards, the leader, got spun out on the final lap.  He then proceded to hit the windshield of the third place car with his tire, before spinning upside-down and  airborne into the fence.  We’re not finished yet, hang with me for a second.  After his flaming shell of a car skidded to a stop about 200 yards short of the start/finish, Edwards proceeded to climb out and run across the finish line on foot.  Ladies and Gentleman, Carl Edwards is officially my second-favorite driver of all time.  He could have secured the top spot if he had just done his trademark backflip off the wreckage that was his car.

Video?  You bet.

If you are wondering why I watch NASCAR…THAT is why I watch.  Now where’s my spitoon…

-ES

Weekly Affirmation

Posted in Raves on April 25, 2009 by Eric

We all have bad days.  Sometimes those bad days stretch into bad weeks.  If you find yourself at the end of a particularly stressful week, and you’re feeling down about yourself, there is hope.  There is assurance that no matter how down you are, somewhere out there is somebody whom you can look at and think to yourself “you know, my life isn’t that bad!”  This weekly affirmation comes every Friday in the form of The Weekly Mugshot Roundup at thesmokinggun.com, and it is without a doubt the unquestioned highlight of my week.

Every week, the masses are treated to a virtual museum of bad tatoos, ironic T-shirts, funny facial expressions, and crippling failure.  Pictures are worth 1,000 words, so nothing further is needed from me.  I implore you to click the link.  Now.  Hey, it’s cheaper than therapy.

-ES

The Greatest Television Show in the History of Mankind

Posted in Raves on April 20, 2009 by Eric

If you have TruTV on cable or dish, and you’re not watching “Bait Car”, then you are missing out on the greatest entertainment achievement by humans in recorded history.  If this show ever airs on a 24-hour continuous loop, I may very well quit my job.  If you aren’t familiar with the concept of a “bait car”, let me educate you.  Basically, a bait car is a car rigged with a hidden camera, GPS tracker, and a device that allows police to shut the car down remotely.  The police leave the car out in the open unlocked with the keys inside.  Then they just sit back and wait for some dumb sap to come along and steal it, at which time they shut the car down, surround it and haul the moron off to jail.  To top it all, somebody (correctly) thought it would make a great TV show.  Think of it as Dateline’s “To Catch A Predator” without all the creepiness.

When I watch this show, I am positively giddy.  I have my DVR set to record every episode (Monday night, 8:00 on TruTV), and I watch them all multiple times.  The best part is watching the thieves on the hidden camera run the gamut of emotions from the euphoria of thinking they got away with it, to slack-jawed confusion when the car shuts down, to the slumped-shoulder realization of “maybe I should have just gotten a job” when they’re staring at blue lights and five guns pointed at them.  I’ve never seen a tape of myself watching this show, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see myself jumping up and down on the couch and giggling.  My wife asked the question “Is this really the best use of our tax money?”  I responded that I would voluntarily pay extra taxes if I knew the money was going to fund this program.

Just tell me where to send the check.

-ES

%d bloggers like this: