Thoughts On Bacon
I spend a lot of time on the internet, so I’m pretty well-versed in the world of Internet memes. One of the prevailing memes over the past year or so is the awesomeness of bacon. Do a quick Google search for “bacon” and you’ll find site after site proclaiming bacon as the absolute greatest physical substance on the face of the planet. Bacon-love has become the proverbial dead horse. That said, hand me the stick because I’m about to beat that sucker like a giant, rotting piñata.
I love bacon. Love, love, love it. I’m talking love that toes the line of general social acceptance. I want to market a bacon-scented cologne called “Instant Happiness”. I’m considering putting framed pictures of bacon on my desk at work. I want to go to a petting zoo just to shake the hoof of a pig and whisper in its ear, “thanks in advance”. You get the picture. However, to further beat my point into the ground, I have invited a guest speaker to the blog. Kids, please direct your eyes to the front of the room and give your undivided attention to Visiting Professor Jim Gaffigan…(light applause would be polite here)
Now, I’m no theologian, but bacon is proof that there is a loving and benevolent God who can turn this:
I never cease to be frustrated when I hear such a glorious food referred to as a “side dish”. Folks, bacon is the main freaking attraction of the breakfast. Remove bacon from the Denny’s Grand Slam, and you’re left with the Denny’s Weak Grounder to Short. Aside from being mind-numbingly delicious, bacon serves as the muse for today’s budding engineers. Allow me to chronicle a few of the recent bacon-inspired feats of culinary construction:
The Bacon Explosion
The Bacon Explosion, the brainchild of the guys over at bbqaddicts.com, is kind of like a lettuce wrap except with every single ingredient replaced with some sort of pork variant. First you take a bunch of raw bacon and weave it together in a flat sheet. If they would have stopped there, I still would have been beyond impressed. Next you hit the bacon-sheet with some barbecue seasoning and then cover it all with ground sausage. Since the fat content of this dish is not quite high enough at this point, you then cover the ground sausage in crumbled bacon. The next step is to roll the whole thing into a log shape and throw in in the smoker for a few hours. Then, just to add one more swift kick to the arteries, you slather the whole thing in barbecue sauce.
I demand that a Noble Prize of some sort be awarded to the brains behind what I can only describe as pure, unadulterated win.
Bacon. Flavored. Floss. I know what you’re thinking, “c’mon now, at least come up with something plausible”. I kid you not. Behold:
Yes my friends, this is a real product. I don’t know who came up with it, but we need to find this person and put them in charge of either NASA or the Federal Reserve. Not that I’m disputing the importance of flossing, but obviously we’re dealing with a person whose talents are far beyond basic dental hygiene.
Once again, real product. This one comes from our friends in Sweden, hereafter referred to as America’s Greatest Ally.
According to the website, Squeez Bacon is 100% fully cooked bacon, blended into a paste in such a way that it requires no refrigeration and has a shelf life of 12 years. Excuse me while I take a moment to sit in stunned silence…
There are no words.