Migrane, Thy Name is Jonas

The Jonas Brothers must be stopped.  Immediately.  Reason?  I’m too pretty for jail.  I’m definitely not cover-of-a-romance-novel material, but my butt looks way too good in a government-issued jumpsuit for me to last a day in the clink.  But so help me, seeing their smug little faces on TV, posters, lunchboxes, bedsheets, etc., makes me want to carry out some much needed justice in the name of decent music.  I’m sure we’re only a few weeks away from hearing that their faces appeared in a grilled cheese sandwich in Mexico.  But I need to settle down…I can’t do six months sleeping with one terrified eye open, nervously watching my giant, muscle-bound, and very lonely cellmate.  (Yes, six months is the actual Indiana statue penalty for assault, and no, I should not know that)

Urge to kill...rising

Urge to kill...rising

What drives me so crazy about these little gelled-up, pouty-eyed, she-males?  THEY HAVE NO FREAKING TALENT!  Their songs are horrible, and they can’t play live.  Normally, I would feel sympathy towards a group of young teens struggling against their own musical inabilities in order to make it big as a band.  However, I feel no sympathy towards a group of teens whose baffling musical success is built solely on an androgynous image that is forced on me daily via every possible medium.

The comparison I hear from the other Jonas-haters (apparently, I’m not the only one, imagine that) is Hanson.  You remember Hanson don’t you?  Back in 1997, MMMBop made me want to drive an icepick through my eye and into the portion of my brain that controls hearing and comprehension.  I couldn’t stand them.  But you know why I don’t compare the Jonas Brothers to Hanson?  Hanson actually had talent (before you start screaming at your monitor, go have a listen to some of the songs from their second album…go ahead, I’ll wait…see?)  Hanson played their own instruments, wrote many of their own songs, and actually grew into some decent little musicians.  As corny as that first album was, they knew what they were doing.  The Jonas Brothers, not so much.  Presenting Exhibit A:

See?  See what you made me do????  YOU MADE ME DEFEND HANSON!!

Guys, if you would only stay off the stage, smile for the cameras and bat your cosmetically lengthened eyelashes at the 13-year-old girls, then nobody would know that your “songs” are played by studio musicians.  But you had to go and screw that up by attempting to pass yourselves off as a legitimate band.  You just rocketed to minute 14 of your allotted fame window, and Disney knows it.  Once they’ve sponged as much money off of you as they can, they’ve got the next teen idol fraud group lined up and ready to go.  Remember these guys?

We were cool once!  We promise!

"We were cool once! We promise!"

Take a good long look, Jonases.  This was Jonas Brothers version 1.0.  When I was a kid, there was a period of time (albeit a short one) where these people were the hottest act around.  Now, nobody remembers them, not even most people my age.  That was the time when Disney figured out that they could make buckets of money over a short period of time with just a few pretty faces.  When the pretty faces got older and not as pretty, they were replaced (the Mexican teen group Menudo used this model as offical group policy).  Why spend the money to develop acts with actual talent, when the only things that the Seventeen Magazine demographic care about are blue eyes and hype?

If the Jonas Brothers want to be taken seriously, they should back out of the spotlight for a few years, get some real musical training, learn how to actually play, and come back with an album of  substantive songs instead of bubblegum pop retreads.  But they won’t.  They’re already halfway through the pop culture meat grinder and well on their way to an adulthood full of rehab stints and horrible VH1 reality shows.

See, when your target audience has an attention span of anywhere between 7-9 seconds, your career lasts only slightly longer.  But I don’t begrudge them a thing, they don’t know any better.  Play on boys, for fame is fleeting.  Just do me a favor and please stop taking yourselves seriously.



4 Responses to “Migrane, Thy Name is Jonas”

  1. wow eric.
    first-i hope you never have a daughter….b/c you WILL be at a concert of one of these teeny boppers…..and there will be posters in her room.
    also-thank you for THE PARTY shout out..
    I LOVED THEM! along with NKOTB–and I also semi-liked NSYNC enough to go to a concert in college.

    i am OFFICIALLY your worst nightmare…

    i will let you borrow my ipod anytime…i am sure you will love EVERY song.

  2. Yeah, if they were ugly would be they be so famous? Methinks not.

  3. Travis Witham Says:

    Back in 1997, MMMBop made me want to drive an icepick through my eye and into the portion of my brain that controls hearing and comprehension

    haha yeah i laughed out loud when i read this, well along with pretty much the whole post. keep up the good work and …crap, the braves just lost in the bottom of the 10th..i was just getting ready to say Go Braves, but they just blew it!

  4. Sarah Salmon Says:

    I am also appreciating THE PARTY shout out. I actually still have all of their albums (no, I am not joking). They are in a closet along with Milli Vanilli and the Fat Boys.

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