The Death of the Man’s Man

I am an endangered species.  To my knowledge, the World Wildlife Fund is not currently seeking donations for my preservation, but they should.  You see, I am a man.  Now, I’m not a big guy nor do I hunt, fish, or chop wood.  I’m not trying to claim I’m some kind of John Wayne.  I am a man simply in the sense that I have embraced my gender, and I am one of a dying breed.  You see, I do things that are strange among today’s young man such as tuck in my shirt, shave before going to work or church, avoid makeup and expensive hair products, and speak a generally accepted form of English.  My collar is always folded down, and you’ll never catch me in a tanning bed.  Strange, I know.  The modern man is dying my friends, and with his death the line that separates what is male and female is further blurred.  Let’s outline the causes, shall we?

1. Guyliner

Pop quiz:  Name the two words that are least likely to come to mind when viewing these pictures.  If you answered “gainfully employed”, you win.  Congratulations.  Seriously, when did eyeliner on a man become acceptable?  Apparently this is the trend of today’s current “rock” musician (term used loosely).  Please.  You want to see a rock star?  Look at Bruce freaking Springsteen.  And if Bruce were ever asked to share a stage with these “guys”, I’m sure he’d brain them with his Telecaster.  Trust me, I don’t want to see the kind of groupie that ends up backstage at a Good Charlotte concert.  I can only imagine something along the lines of a less attractive Boy George.

2. The Man-Tan

Repeat after me: ORANGE DOES NOT EQUAL TAN!  For the love of all that is holy, please commit this to memory.  What baffles me is why anyone would subject their skin to this much abuse when an orange Crayola marker would give the exact same result.  Plus, they’re non-toxic so that’s just an added bonus.  Guys, looking like a tomato is not cool unless you are a little 3D animated character named Bob.  If you carrot-wannabes don’t know who that is, then you obviously don’t have kids and at this rate you never will.

3. Hair Gel Sculptures

First, let’s address the ultimate coward hairstyle, the faux-hawk.

The Mohawk is the ultimate example of the punk lifestyle.  It says to the world “I play by my own rules and reject society’s example of what is considered acceptable appearance.”  The faux hawk says to the world “My mom won’t let me shave or dye my hair, so if I just shove it all towards the middle and hold it there with some Vaseline, I’m still cool right?”

The other scourge of the masculine follicle is the dreaded “Whole-Tube-Of-Gel Spike”

If you’re confused, the picture on the right is a cartoon character.  I know it can be hard to tell sometimes.

4. Popped Collars

Attention guys, the following people can successfully pull off the popped collar look:  Elvis.  That’s it, that’s the list.  This is a ridiculous trend that has to be stopped immediately.  It’s being taken to an unhealthy extreme.  Don’t believe me?  Allow me to present the following side-by-side comparison as Exhibit A:

The resemblance is uncanny.  So the lesson is, unless you can balloon to 300 lbs., rock a sequin leisure suit, and still be regarded as an international sex symbol…flip your collar down.

5. The Chin Curtain

The first rule of facial hair is that there are only two acceptable types of facial hair for men:  the mustache, or the full beard.  Any arguments to the contrary can be taken to my assembled Facial Hair Committee, pictured below:

Objections?  Didn’t think so.

If you are unfamilar with the Chin Curtain, basically you just take a glue stick, trace it along your jawbone, and then rub your face onto the back of a shedding dog.  The result is this:

1993 Goatee optional.

1993 Goatee optional.

Be warned, if you choose to go out in public like this, your day will most likely end with Tom Selleck stealing your woman followed by Chuck Norris delivering a devastating roundhouse kick to your temple.

The Apocolypse

What happens when you take all of the aforementioned atrocities and combine them into the ultimate knife in the back of masculinity?  The following is not for the squeamish…

God help us all…

-ES

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One Response to “The Death of the Man’s Man”

  1. You’ve left me with no more to say, other than “Hell yes.” Thank you.

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