I’ve seen the end of the world, and it’s in Southern California.

I can best be described as being, at the very most, on the fringe of pop culture.  I stick to my little world consisting of my favorite sports teams, old blues music, and Seinfeld reruns (and Wii Tennis…I will destroy you at Wii Tennis).  It’s a simple, happy existence that is only disturbed when I foolishly venture back into the world of the 18-24 year old demographic.  Recently I visited that world, and what I found shook my very faith in humanity.

If you are not familiar with Spencer Pratt, Heidi Montag, or “The Hills”, please stop reading this immediately.  My feelings won’t be hurt, and it’s for your own good.  Nothing good can be gained by learning what I have learned.  I was not familiar with these people either until my curiosity got the best of me.  Somehow in the background of everyday life, I kept hearing the names Spencer and Heidi.  And for some reason, as these names kept being repeated within earshot over the course of several months, they stuck around in my head (I can see my wife taking notes already).  Sometime later, as I was standing in the checkout line at Walmart, I saw these two on several magazine covers and figured that these people are apparently important and I should at least find out who they are.  This was the first in what became a series of mistakes.

My first stop was Wikipedia (a.k.a The Source of All Knowledge) and learned that these people star in a show called “The Hills” .  This program airs on MTV, which I learned through further research is a cable channel that at one time played music videos.  Hmm…seems like I would have remembered that.  Moving on.  The apparent premise of this show is to take a bunch of young adults, put them in grown-up situations, and have them act like 13-year olds (at least I assume they are acting).  Throw in a ton of unearned money and a ridiculous sense of entitlement, and you’ve got yourself a hit show!

Having determined the impetus of their cultural relativity, I set out to learn more about Spencer and Heidi.  Typing Mr. Pratt’s name into a Google Image search yielded the single most punchable face in the history of mankind:

Is that spray-on stubble?

Up until now, I thought there were only two Hilton sisters.  Guess I was wrong.  Unfortunate plastic face aside, I set out to determine what discernible talent this Spencer fellow possessed to account for his fame.  Three hours later, I gave up.  The Hilton corollary is even more uncanny.

Now, having an enormous amount of sympathy for the unfortunate soul doomed to be linked by the media to a life-sized Ken doll, I began my research into the life of Heidi.  Her Google Image results were not anything spectacular.  Another platinum blonde with way too much makeup.  That’s so common in L.A. that it is standard-issue Photoshopped onto all California driver’s licenses.  What’s this?  She’s starting a music career?  I wonder if she’s any good…

Before commenting on this, I need to take care of something right quick.  Hang with me for a second…(bowing head).  “Dear Lord, please forgive me for whatever I have done to offendeth Thee so, for Thy wrath hath rend mine ears in twain.  Amen.”

I thought the whole point of lip synching was to pretend that you are a good singer.  If you sound like crap in the studio, hire a different person to do the actual singing.  Don’t laugh, Milli Vanilli won a Grammy that way.  I took consolation in the fact that after seeing this video, Heidi decided that a music career wasn’t in her future and proceeded to explore other avenues in showbusiness.  Strike that, she has a 5-song EP available on iTunes.  Shockingly, they are charging money for this with a straight face.  The infliction of this attempt at “music” on the American public needs to be stopped like the swine flu.

So why are these two vapid excuses for celebrities in the news recently?  Well, they have apparently decided to create a giant vortex of suck by getting MARRIED.

At the moment this photo was snapped, a baby kitten died.

Due to the fact that forced sterilization is currently not permitted by U.S. law (even if it is for the good of all mankind), we need to have a contingency plan in place.  The inevitable demon spawn of this unholy union must be captured at birth and bathed daily in holy water until the horns shrivel up and fall off.  It’s our only hope.

-ES