I’ll admit, I was a Facebook holdout for a while. I registered my account in 2005 at the suggestion of a friend. For three years, all you saw on my profile was one of only a handful of pictures that exist of me with a full beard (go ahead, try to find it…you know you want to). Around the beginning of 2008, I jumped on the Facebook train after all of my friends conveniently abandoned Myspace about 5 minutes after I joined.
At first, I just poked around a bit while maintaining my cynicism for the sake of being cynical, and therefore cool. After I got over that (don’t worry, I’m still cool), I started searching for and finding many of my old friends (apparently, applying the “social media” label makes “stalking” a little easier to swallow). It wasn’t long before I was checking the site daily to keep up with the people with whom I had lost touch. It was at that point that I realized exactly why I had lost touch with some of those people.
The way I see it, there are two ways to use Facebook. The first way is to use it as a means to communicate amongst friends and share humorous/useful/entertaining material from the internet in a user-friendly, all-in-one format. The other way is to become what I like to call a full-blown, crazy, “FB-tard”.
All I can say is thank you Lord for the “Hide” button.
You see, the “hide” button is the handy little tool that allows me to ignore posts from certain people without “un-friending them.” I’m nothing if not an e-gentlemen. But do I like hiding people? Of course not. Since it is my assumption that all posts that appear on my page are explicitly put there for my approval, it pains me to deprive any individual of the opportunity to entertain me. My Facebook hide-and-seek game involves a large amount of hiding and very little seeking. So if you want to avoid my hide list, take heed of the following rules:
1) Keep Thine Application Updates to Thyself
I don’t care about your Farmville farm, I’m not interested in your daily Horoscope, and if you put one more stupid iHeart on my wall I’m going to send your Mafia Wars goons to shake down your Cafe World diner.
Before you start using a new application, check the settings to make sure that every single little inane thing you do isn’t published on everybody else’s feed. I’m not digging through automated post after automated post just to find the one post saying you think the Grilled Stuft Burritos at Taco Bell are “amazing”.
2) Do Not Babble Incessantly About Your Relationship
I’ll make this pretty cut-and-dry. If you begin or end a relationship, you are allowed to post about it exactly two (2) times. I’m not sexist, but this one is aimed at the females. We’ve all been there before. Starting a new relationship is a very exciting time…for you. I’m glad you’re happy, but you’re giving us all diabetes.
That said, all good things must come to an end, and when that time comes just make your announcement, say that you never cared about him in the first place, and be done with it. If you drone on and on wondering why he left you, you’re pretty much announcing why he did. There’s a time and place for screaming at an ex, and that is during a private message or a drunken 4 a.m. phone call.
Oh, and don’t try to get around this rule by posting song lyrics. We all know what you’re doing. Besides, if you’re going to try to seem deep and introspective, you’re going to have to do a little better than Nickleback.
3) Don’t Join Every Group With a “Clever” Name
Eric just joined “It was funny the first time, mildly amusing the second time, irritating the third time, and now I just want to hurt you”
4) Be Funny, or at the very least, Relevant
Today, I got out of bed and went to work. I had a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch. On the way home, traffic was slow. Later, I watched Seinfeld reruns on my DVR for two straight hours. Tomorrow I have to drive to Ohio. I’m bored. I’m getting tired now.
Did any part of the previous paragraph even remotely interest you? Didn’t think so. That’s why I didn’t share it on Facebook. My day-to-day experience can be mundane at times, and I’m even less interested in yours. I’m glad you went to the gym today. If you must know, I spent that same time rationalizing my weight gain…while punching a puppy (see how I did that?).
5) Find the Shift key. Know it. Use it.
its really hard to follow what youre saying when you dont bother to use any punctuation or capitalization you could be copying einsteins theoy of relativity verbatim and still come across looking like a moron seriously you learned this stuff in freaking first grade have we really become so lazy as a society that we cant be bothered to push a simple button that requires a finger movement of less than an inch
There, now I feel better. I’ll see you all on Facebook…well, some of you.